Coming Back Together by Steven L. Sayers

Author:Steven L. Sayers
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781608829873
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2014-06-16T00:00:00+00:00

Tell Your Partner What Actions You Are Appreciating and Make a Record for Yourself

Once a day, tell your partner in a clear and deliberate manner, the specific positive action or behavior that you appreciate and why. Be sure to mention why the action is meaningful or helpful to you personally or for the family. Say, “I really enjoyed watching you play with the kids today,” or “I noticed when you were playing with the kids that I really felt great about our family.” When the behavior is more mundane, yet still meaningful, the comment could be stated this way: “I appreciate your bringing the checkbook to me for the bills; it was just a nice thing since I feel so busy much of the time.” Other effective types of statements can be briefer, such as, “I liked that you called me at work today; it’s nice to have that break.” You can also state that the action was helpful to the two of you as a couple in the following way: “Thanks for taking the car in for service today—we never have to worry about our cars since you are always up on that.”

Make sure you have your partner’s attention. When you can, make eye contact, touch your partner lightly on the arm, or do something else to set the comment aside from other conversation. You may already have the type of relationship in which you commonly thank your partner in a socially appropriate way. For the purposes of highlighting the comment and having the most impact, be sure to include more detail about why the action was helpful or appreciated by you. Below are some written examples of the specific behaviors along with brief statements about these actions.

Your partner’s behavior: Bob woke the kids up this morning.

Your statement: I appreciate that you woke the kids up today, since I think they really appreciate seeing you first thing in the morning.

Your partner’s behavior: Linda sat with me, opened the bills, and discussed them while we wrote them out.

Your statement: Thanks for working with me on the bills. I always feel we are on the same team when we work like that.

Your partner’s behavior: Susan stood beside me and watched while I sent Sean to time-out when he threw his toy.

Your statement: I liked when you were there just watching when I was disciplining Sean; I felt really trusted by you because I think he knew you backed me, even without saying anything. It feels like we are a team.

Your partner’s behavior: Will told me he was having pain, really distracted by Iraq stuff, and needed to lie down.

Your statement: I think it was helpful when you let me know you were dealing with pain and memories of your deployment. Even though I couldn’t do anything to help except give you some space, when you let me know what’s going on I feel like I am helping in some way.

Note that some of the comments refer to everyday, mundane events, like paying the bills.

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